February 12, 2016

I wish I was better at making decisions. You see, I doubt myself a lot. I question if I am making the right thing for dinner, or if the designs I do people will like. I second guess how I do my hair, or what the recording on my voicemail is like.   Part of it I think is that I am insecure about who I am. Although I appear to have a lot of confidence, there is a part of me that worries about how people will see me or what they think of me.

You see, I grew up in what I consider not a "normal' household. Now don't get me wrong, my childhood was AWESOME. First, I was born in a house on a farm. My mom was a true Dead Head, refused to by store bought cookies, and had no problem speaking her mind. She is pretty amazing. My dad, he taught martial arts and ran the cities power. He at one time had long hair and road Harleys. He is pretty great. I grew up in Dutch Harbor, which some would think was horrible, but it was like nothing else. I made lifelong friends, was pretty sheltered  just due to being on an island, and was easily able to be the New Kids on the Block #1 fan!

So your thinking that sounds pretty normal right? Well it was, kind of. You see, my mom sometimes had blue hair and ran the television station. My dad hosted arm wrestling competitions, and taught kids how to karate chop boards. We lived in a dome house and would have 20 foot Christmas trees. My name is Sina, so I was called Cyanide all the time (thanks Zac!). I was just a little different. So I was picked on, sometimes excluded from the popular crowd. I was the last to shave her legs, and wear makeup. I had glasses and spiky hair (yeah it was the 80's), and my brothers name is Emmett (he was named after our friends imaginary friend!).

Ok, so I don't want to get on a whole thing about how they called me names, and made fun of me. Because it wasn't like that. But I do remember wanting to fit in, be one of the normal girls. I used to dream my name was Diana (after Princess Di) just so I sounded .... normal.

Although I want to walk my own path, to do my own thing, I hinder myself quite a bit by wanting to fit in. I want everyone to like me! Kind of sad, at 37 years old, you just want everyone to accept you and like who you are. I am working past this (little, by little). I am working at making decisions based on what I like, or what I think is interesting, fun and cool. It might not be for everyone, but I have to trust that it will be okay.


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